I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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