Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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