I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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