My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
