apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
