just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
