I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
