it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
