Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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