I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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