I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
