why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
this beer tastes like vomit already
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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