I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
