It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize