In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
