dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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