I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
