my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
