I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
