Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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