If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize