If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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