i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize