I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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