I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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