My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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