Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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