My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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