Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
being pregnant is like rehab
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
