When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
