i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
