so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
