I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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