Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
