I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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