I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
