i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
