So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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