You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
