There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
