So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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