Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize