in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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