Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize