I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sorry my hands just texted you
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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