I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize