I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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