On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
