hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
