a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
