I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
