I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
What changed your mind?
Being sober
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
