Don't make out with my wife yet
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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