I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
