Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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