I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize