Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
