So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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