Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
