I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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