First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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