You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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