and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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