I accidentally had phone sex last night
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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