I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
the raccoons are back...
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