ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think I won the penis lottery.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
