im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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