it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
